June 29, 2010

Church Jokes

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:55 am by aleksan

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, “I’m not going.”

“Why not?” she asked.

I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. “(1), they don’t like me, and (2), I don’t like them.”

His mother replied, “I’ll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You’re 59 years old, and (2) you’re the pastor!”

The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

“This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?”

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”

The Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.

“The front row please,” she answered.

“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said “The pastor is really boring.”

“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.

“No.” he said.

“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.

“Do you know who I am?” he asked.

“No.” she said.

“Good,” he answered.

Show and Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a “show and tell” assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David..”

The second student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Mary. I’m a Catholic and this is a Rosary.”

The third student got in up front of the class and said, “My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole.”

The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.

“No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”

“You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”

The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone
pole.”

The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.

“I’ve had a pretty good life,” the twenty proclaimed. “Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ”

“Wow!” said the one-dollar bill. “You’ve really had an exciting life!”

“So tell me,” says the twenty, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?”

The one dollar bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church .”

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”

Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. “Goat,” the little boy replied.

“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?”

“Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Dad say to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.”

Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth !!! AMEN.

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, “I’m not going.”

“Why not?” she asked.

I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. “(1), they don’t like me, and (2), I don’t like them.”

His mother replied, “I’ll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You’re 59 years old, and (2) you’re the pastor!”

The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

“This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?”

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”

The Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.

“The front row please,” she answered.

“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said “The pastor is really boring.”

“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.

“No.” he said.

“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.

“Do you know who I am?” he asked.

“No.” she said.

“Good,” he answered.

Show and Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a “show and tell” assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David..”

The second student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Mary. I’m a Catholic and this is a Rosary.”

The third student got in up front of the class and said, “My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole.”

The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.

“No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”

“You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”

The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone
pole.”

The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.

“I’ve had a pretty good life,” the twenty proclaimed. “Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ”

“Wow!” said the one-dollar bill. “You’ve really had an exciting life!”

“So tell me,” says the twenty, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?”

The one dollar bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church .”

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”

Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. “Goat,” the little boy replied.

“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?”

“Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Dad say to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.”

Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth !!! AMEN.

June 20, 2010

Gulf Oil Spill – Obama bullies hound Tony Haward….

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:19 am by aleksan

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel said the boating incident has “just been part of a long line of PR gaffes and mistakes”.

This is maiicious hounding of Tony Haward, however incompetent he may have been – PR gaff OK but by The White House – we really have to stop appeasing these bullies. Whatever the guy has done he should be able to have a break with his teenage son. Special relationship with the USA? It is over…

June 10, 2010

Some amusing musings…

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:50 am by aleksan

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’ – Eleanor Roosevelt Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.. – Mark Twain The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible – George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. – Victor Borge Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. – Jimmy Durante I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. – Zsa Zsa Gabor Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. – Alex Levine My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. – Rodney Dangerfield
Money can’t buy you happiness …. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. – Spike Milligan Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP . – Joe Namath I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. – Bob Hope I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.. – W. C. Fields We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. – Will Rogers Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. – Winston Churchill Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.. – Phyllis Diller By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. – Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist’ s diet: – If it tastes good spit it out.